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After I returned from Saudi Arabia, I decided to set a new foundation to my life in America. Although I did not envisage my new lifestyle as "Walden," simplify became a goal. I started to release myself from conventional teachings chapter by chapter. This transformation did not go smoothly and it was not always voluntary. For example, sometimes I thought I should be employed, perhaps only because this had become a habit. I accepted a position with Stanford Research Institute in Palo Alto and left it three months later. Freedom felt much nicer than a full-time job. Instead, I moved into my home in La Jolla and I started as part-time instructor at UCLA, UCSD, other colleges, and the Navy. It dawned on me that I liked my lifestyle much more this way, especially when I remembered the years I spent as a consultant in Washington. My professional pride, intensity, and bonus payments had persuaded me to live an "I live so I can work and succeed" deception then.
Ah romance . . . 1938 to 1940 photos of Cavit (25-27) and Zekiye (20-22). Top: in Arhavi (1938),
in Istanbul, when Cavit is in medical school (1934-40), Zekiye at the American Girls' Lyceum (1938-40)
However, by
returning to Washington in 1986, I placed myself in the most
structured and success-driven environment. Sometimes my
convictions wavered. Support came in a variety of ways, foremost
from Mother and Gülhis, friends, and fellow travelers. For
example, on Aug. 30, 1994, Mother cited to me, in German, the
following words by Christopher Morley. "Es gibt nur einen
Erforg: auf deine Weise leben zu können." (There is only
one success: to be able to live your own way.) In 1996, in Miami
Beach, I read David Weeks' "Eccentrics" and felt
reassured again, for I read it as "Individualistic." It
was easier to exercise freedom from a platform in America. I was
where I wanted to be, for now.
I had dreamed about freedom for most of my life and had found it. But there were so many dimensions to freedom that I could not decide. Going over scenarios, I even tried to imagine myself as a member of the Rainbow Family, "shacking up" with a 19- year-old in a tent in the Osceola National Forest, until I thought of a question: "how long?" And I was no groupie.
So instead of scenarios, I evaluated myself. I was too intense to approach things whimsically, but I also did not insist to make everything I liked a permanent part of me. Some of my journeys had been wonderful because they had happened there and then and not here and now. Money was merely a tool that supported my freedom and travel. Since I did not need external structure to fill my life, I divided my time between personal projects, which made my computer a wonderful friend, and shared experiences with travelers who followed similar paths. My life accentuated simplicity and blended introverted cycles with extrovert ones. I made sure that I did not mislead people about what I was, made no promises I could not keep, and did not fail on promises I made. As far as I was concerned, these attributes made me also a fine Buddhist, Christian, Jew, Muslim, animist, human being.
Freedom also meant not being encumbered by guilt feelings, but not by becoming a callous person. I had been burdened by guilt and remorse in my marriages and extended relationships. They consumed lots of energy until time eventually rendered them docile. My life in Saudi Arabia from 1976 to 1981 had introduced me to an interesting substitute for relationships. There was a paucity of eligible women there and the opportunity for romance was restricted. A few airline hostesses, nurses, sisters of friends, etc. happened and ended unpredictably.
However, I traveled often for extended periods then, like the 56-day business trip to 13 countries in Africa, two weeks in the Far-East, a month in Europe, and other trips of various durations. I had also a 30-day paid leave. These trips were like a series of Roman Holidays. I had encounters with a 19-year-old Australian girl in Alexandria, a young French woman in Bombay, another on the Niger river, a British student at a forgotten airport, an American student in Banjul, Gambia, a Brazilian secretary at the Amtrak station in New Orleans, and others in novel places.
These women were "young and restless" types. They were my kind of people, but more courageous. They worked and saved for six to eight months and then they traveled. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. My interaction with them lasted a day, a weekend, or sometimes a week. They never lasted long enough, but while we were together everything was all-out and on the surface. No single encounter can match the happiness of a cozy cycle with a wife or girlfriend, but a dozen of these encounters together in a year were as happy as any one year I remembered with my wives or girlfriends. Indeed, although individually they were not as happy, they were also not as unhappy. Time was too brief for real differences to emerge. External variables were supportive and the environment was ideal. Banal things did not interfere. There were also no hurt, guilt, and sin in these encounters.
Unless one insisted that a happy encounter was not complete until it culminated in marriage, this "Fearless Traveler" lifestyle seemed like an optimum solution for me, though I could not recommend it as a universal prescription for everyone, in part for selfish reasons. I did not want to be surrounded by adventurers on packaged vacations. I knew most parts of the world, had lived in the desert like a Bedouin, slept in total darkness in the Amazon, surrounded by sounds. This type of travel followed an on-the-go itinerary. If a fellow traveler had a better destination and this was an interesting person, the schedule changed on the spot and with little regard about time, comfort, and sometimes safety. Adventure was not always there to be found. One had to be curious and had to have the personality to create and enjoy it. This required much ingenuity and daring. Sometimes nothing helped. This made dealing with boredom the only adventure, which occasionally led to real adventure.
I met Sharon by coincidence on Nov. 11, 1985, when I was ready to start my software business. She exited my life on Aug. 17, 1992, almost exactly when I finished my work and was ready to move on. When I met her, the programming work was the first thing on my mind. Everything else would be a subset of this context. This project could conceivably demand several years of concentrated effort; there would be no time to wander off. Although I can be an excellent loner, I knew that a suitable companion was essential then. Gratitude (to karma) and appreciation, goodwill, and friendship (to Sharon) were the initial elements of my relationship. She did not display her materialistic and turbulent traits then and the earthy side she did show captivated me. I felt very fortunate that I could pursue my work and simultaneously grow into a wonderful bond. Sharon had some of my ingredients. She did not like the structured work environment and found a childlike joy in simple things, like taking long walks and observing nature. Albeit, things evolved strangely over the following years.
During the day, Sharon went to work; I stayed at home. Since programming demands acute concentration, I wanted something else as a diversion. My second wife had been into astrology. I had dismissed it as nonsense then. But now that I had time on my hands I decided to test its validity. I did, meticulously over seven years. Sharon was neutral at first, until she mentioned my work to her mother, a blind Fundamentalist who claimed she was saved. Sharon's mother and her two preachers, one at home in West Virginia, the other in Washington, warned her that she would not be saved if she continued to associate with me. Sharon suffered intensely under the pressure of these dire predictions. For a year, she attempted to convert me to Christianity to please her mother and preachers. I felt sad for her, but pointed out that the mind had to be free to investigate any phenomenon. I assured her this was only a pastime, that my personality would not allow me to live by formulae once my research was over. Nothing helped and, indeed, I spent more time contemplating her religion, beliefs, values, and fixity. I had been so open-minded with her that I had often accompanied her to Sunday services just to please her. I appealed to her that surely she could tolerate some of my harmless eccentricities. Sharon rebelled and accused me of attempting to change her beliefs and being, stating that her religion demanded intolerance of false prophets. I had never met such a mindset, not even in America.
In the end, her efforts to convert me to Christianity failed. Instead, Sharon gave up religion and turned into a wanton woman, perhaps also to punish me. Her mother and preachers were overjoyed by the fact that Sharon was finally showing backbone. They did not know that she called me at odd hours to cry silently on the phone, hanging up without saying a word. This was a soul committing suicide. I could only watch.
By then, I detested all Evangelical ministers. I had crossed paths also with tolerant Christians and liked them very much. There was a decency about them that I did not encounter in any other culture or religion. Only Christian cultures fashioned men and women like Mother Theresa and spawned people who served as Peace Corps volunteers all over the world. My cynicism did not blind me to these facts. I was concerned that Sharon had lost also some of the wonderful ingredients that came with Christianity. I hoped that she would find them again some day, but without blind Fundamentalism.
As for my research of astrology, while I could discern evidence that planetary patterns played a role in human behavior, there were too many unknowns and gray areas in astrology. Exogenous factors, such as genetic characteristics, upbringing, environment, and even circumstances obviously played crucial roles. For example, no planetary pattern in Jeffrey Dahmer's natal chart categorically showed why he would murder and then eat the flesh of young men, that people with similar charts would invariably also do these things. Because astrology could not take external factors into account, astrological predictions were doomed to remain generalized statements. It certainly could not be used for counseling or as a tool of destiny, though cycles of heightened aggressiveness, sexuality, etc. could be flagged out.
By the end of 1993, I organized my findings in a 358-page book, "Your Guide to the World of Astrology" (Oct. 18, 1992), and uploaded my 16 megabytes of software and the book on CompuServe and my own bulletin board in San Diego. As I had promised Sharon, this was the end. However, I left one door ajar: a study concentrating exclusively on serial killers and mass murderers. I wrote a proposal to the FBI and received a volume of material in return. I scheduled the study for sometime in 1997.
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