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This diary may tell you a little about your own past. If you are a native American, you may not be able to identify immediately with our background and environment, the inner struggles and transformation we experienced. If the description of some of our experiences seem harsh, this is because they were trying. Assimilation is not just acclimation and acquisition. Invariably it entails giving up or replacing a cherished habit, custom, tradition, or trait with something alien that is not necessarily always better or for the good. For example, we could not adapt to privacy, as privacy is defined and exercised in America. Assimilation can proceed only by overcoming inner resistance. This is not a smooth process, nor invariably a successful one. Assimilation strikes the core of one's being and attempts to mold the personality. Only "first generation" immigrants can empathize with this process, whereas others can at best "understand" it. But someone in your past, perhaps your grandparents, came to this country from another land and culture. Much of what pertains specifically to us is probably similar to the thoughts and feelings your folks experienced after they arrived in this country. Their experiences probably had an effect on the way they raised your parents who raised you. So do not be surprised if something in our lives that seemingly has nothing to do with you rings a bell.
The story does not reach, or aim for, a conclusion or target. There is no "happy ending," nor an unhappy one. Life is not a movie. It is a continuous process with ups and downs. The ups do not cancel the downs. Both accumulate and form the foundation of how one feels about something, if one is happy, unhappy, or undecided. This is why assimilation is seemingly a never-ending process. My sisters and I have adjusted to this country. However, our parents have floundered since we arrived in America in 1958. Their labors exacerbated our own effort. Our foreign friends have expressed similar feelings. It is clear to us that many immigrants are going in circles in search of lost identities in America. Why this may be so after almost four decades in the United States (in our case) has something to do with the American culture and environment. The almost unanimous consensus is that "something is missing here." The missing thing is an assortment of tangible and intangible things that eventually grow into a large hole in a foreign soul.
Americans look at the numbers of people who come to this country and the long waiting list and make a case of "is this a great country or what?" Perhaps it is. But this admission does not contradict the reality that many immigrants are nagged by the question if this was the right decision, especially when some of them were already well-off in their original countries, like us. This feeling is not unique to immigrants. Several American movies have delighted audiences with the wholesome story about the inner struggles of someone from small town America contemplating and then declining a promotion to a large city. These audiences should consider the situation of a foreigner in America. Unlike the movie, the immigrants cannot just pack and return, after having invested so heavily to uproot their families. Many immigrants wrestle with their assimilation for so long that they cannot go back and be the people they were. They endure, with dangling souls. This may also explain why many Cubans, Greeks, Jews, etc., though they are American citizens, seemingly remain Cuban, et al. at heart, why some groups have been influencing American policies to the benefit of their native countries, whether or not these policies serve this country.
The theme of this book is partly in the realm of Rushdie's "Satanic Verses," but it also evokes the insight (and perhaps the eloquence) of Heinlein's "A Stranger in a Strange Land," Thomas Mann's "Tonio Kröger," and Camus' "The Stranger" and "The Mythos of Sisyphus." There are reminders of Lederer's "Ugly American" and "A Nation of Sheep," as also Kennedy's "The rise and Fall of Great Empires." All of America's a proscenium, and what transpires on the stage is grotesque, also symbolic, colorful, outrageous, ribald, clever, gimmicky, poignant, and somnolent. The book also intends to reintroduce Americans to America, by scrutinizing this land from a different cultural perspective.
The story comes from the mouth of someone who learned English as a second language, in my case as a third language. It rambles at times, about our thoughts and senses while we were being acclimated, and dynamic and fluent other times, like a musical piece flowing through adagio to prestissimo moods. The chapters unravel the many stages and dimensions of assimilation. Passages and pentimenti of our life in Turkey, also in Germany where I attended the gymnasium, and Saudi Arabia where I was an advisor, offer cultural contrasts.
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